EMAIL:
Kennisha Hill pens words of inspiration
and empowerment to women who are
seeking the truth about love and
relationships from a Christ-centered
perspective. She is the author of the
devotional Simply Wisdom: Empowerment
for Your Purpose and the Christian Fiction
Novels, Awakened and Uncovered. Visit her
on the web and subscribe to her blog at
www.kennishahill.com.
Email Kennisha:
khill@eewmagazine.com
Connect on Facebook
Facebook.com
and empowerment to women who are
seeking the truth about love and
relationships from a Christ-centered
perspective. She is the author of the
devotional Simply Wisdom: Empowerment
for Your Purpose and the Christian Fiction
Novels, Awakened and Uncovered. Visit her
on the web and subscribe to her blog at
www.kennishahill.com.
Email Kennisha:
khill@eewmagazine.com
Connect on Facebook
Facebook.com
| BI-WEEKLY COLUMNS |
Whether we want to admit it or not, wearing the label “Christian” doesn’t mean people don’t
struggle to keep it strictly platonic in male-female friendships. Many muddy the waters and
complicate matters by factoring sexual relations into the equation.
How do I know? Well, many years ago, I was one of them—a professing believer battling lust and
looking for love.
As a result, I found myself caught up in this tangled “friend with benefits” web. I thought having a
casual friend who could also meet emotional and sometimes physical needs for me would help me
coast through life until the right one came along. In one instance my something-like-a-friend
asked, “Can we be more than friends?” I never expected to hear that from him. I figured our
friendship was fine the way it was without being defined. With movies, dinner, laughs and
occasionally more, I was happy. I felt like I was in no condition for a real relationship anyway, so if
we could be friends and have everything that a couple had—including sex when we wanted it—we
were fine. “I’m sorry,” I responded. “I’m not ready for a relationship right now,” opting instead to
jeopardize our friendship and compromise my faith with this warped arrangement.
I was in a mess and didn’t even know it!
Apparently, there are plenty of folks out there like this. According to recent research from
Stanford University, lots of college co-eds are indulging in casual hookups, with an average of 9.7
sexual partners for men and 7.1 for women. It seems young adults are more interested in “getting
some” when they can without any type of commitment.
If you ask someone randomly about friends with benefits, you will get varying responses. Certain
individuals will become squeamish, of course, and shake their heads at the thought of being that
close with a friend of theirs. Naturally, to them it sounds absurd, as it should. However, others will
argue that having friends with benefits isn’t so bad. They say it’s better than having multiple sex
partners because you at least know the person you’re sleeping very well. They think this could
reduce their risk of catching a sexually transmitted disease. But they don’t realize there’s more to it
than that. Much more!
When I was a single woman and had this mentality, it only created greater issues in my life. I
suffered spiritually and truly damaged relationships. Now that I have learned the painful lessons
from my own mistakes, I can assure you; this is not the route you want to go. Avoid the friends
with benefits scenario at all costs for both spiritual and practical reasons. Here are a few:
1. Spiritual Reason: Sex outside of marriage is sin plain and simple. It is better to wait for
marriage than to displease the Lord. 1 Thessalonians 4:3 says “It is God's will that you should be
sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality.” Countless other scriptures urge you to
abstain until marriage and avoid the sexual compromise that pulls you away from God and
connects you to men God never intended you to be with intimately.
2. Practical Reason: You're setting your friendship up for an #EPICFAIL. For many reasons,
after casual sex, the dynamics of that friendship change and it becomes forever warped. In theory,
people say your friend should respect you enough to not engage in sexual relationship with you.
For him to even consider it speaks volumes about how he feels about you and you should be
listening closely. But the onus isn’t just on him. You have to stand your ground if you don’t want
lust to dominate and destroy your friendship. If you care about your friend, it’s better to keep
your relationship free from sex so you won’t complicate things by undermining the bond of trust
and loyalty the two of you have built together.
3. Spiritual Reason: There's a spiritual connection associated with sex. Many believe it's "just
sex" and don't understand how a real connection is made once you have intimate relations with
someone. But it is never just casual sex. In an article entitled “My Take: There’s nothing brief
about a hook up” by CNN contributor, Dannah Gresh, she revealed very interesting scientific facts
about what “hooking up” can produce. She shared how dopamine and oxytocin hormones are
released during sex. Both create a lasting addiction that tie you emotionally to the other person
and create a bond—one that was meant for marriage. And yet, women wonder why they just can't
let him go or can’t get him out of their mind. 1 Corinthians 6:16 tells us “Do you not know that he
who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, "The two will become
one flesh." This means, you are becoming a part of that person by having sex with them. Ignore
this truth if you want to and you’ll end up playing Juanita Bynum’s “No More Sheets” DVD and
waling at the throne to be released from all those unhealthy soul ties. Trust me. It’s not worth the
pain you’ll endure. So leave that sexual connection where it’s supposed to be—inside marriage.
4. Practical Reason: It's a set-up for sex addiction, which can lead to many other things
(depression, low self-esteem, drugs & alcohol addiction). Any time a woman compromises her self-
worth and degrades her value, she becomes a candidate for these things. And it is very much
possible to lead yourself down this destructive path by giving benefits to your friend that should
be tied to a marital commitment. At some point, you’ll begin to wonder why the relationship can
never grow into anything else You’ll inwardly suffer and sink emotionally into a deep black hole
where guilt, self-pity, and sadness await you. Don’t devalue your worth by opening yourself up to
such emotional turmoil.
The friends-with-benefits-game is not something I would encourage anyone to play. Instead, value
your friend and yourself by abstaining from premarital sex. There are many more ways you can
get to know someone and enjoy what could be a lasting friendship without taking it there. If you
feel things are going in another direction, ask God to help you do the right thing. And remember,
real friends provoke each other to do good (Hebrews 10:24) and avoid hurtful unhealthy practices.
In the movie Friends with Benefits, the two main characters fall in love, but life is not a movie. Bad
choices like this set off a chain of consequences and repercussions that take a lot longer than a
couple hours to resolve.
struggle to keep it strictly platonic in male-female friendships. Many muddy the waters and
complicate matters by factoring sexual relations into the equation.
How do I know? Well, many years ago, I was one of them—a professing believer battling lust and
looking for love.
As a result, I found myself caught up in this tangled “friend with benefits” web. I thought having a
casual friend who could also meet emotional and sometimes physical needs for me would help me
coast through life until the right one came along. In one instance my something-like-a-friend
asked, “Can we be more than friends?” I never expected to hear that from him. I figured our
friendship was fine the way it was without being defined. With movies, dinner, laughs and
occasionally more, I was happy. I felt like I was in no condition for a real relationship anyway, so if
we could be friends and have everything that a couple had—including sex when we wanted it—we
were fine. “I’m sorry,” I responded. “I’m not ready for a relationship right now,” opting instead to
jeopardize our friendship and compromise my faith with this warped arrangement.
I was in a mess and didn’t even know it!
Apparently, there are plenty of folks out there like this. According to recent research from
Stanford University, lots of college co-eds are indulging in casual hookups, with an average of 9.7
sexual partners for men and 7.1 for women. It seems young adults are more interested in “getting
some” when they can without any type of commitment.
If you ask someone randomly about friends with benefits, you will get varying responses. Certain
individuals will become squeamish, of course, and shake their heads at the thought of being that
close with a friend of theirs. Naturally, to them it sounds absurd, as it should. However, others will
argue that having friends with benefits isn’t so bad. They say it’s better than having multiple sex
partners because you at least know the person you’re sleeping very well. They think this could
reduce their risk of catching a sexually transmitted disease. But they don’t realize there’s more to it
than that. Much more!
When I was a single woman and had this mentality, it only created greater issues in my life. I
suffered spiritually and truly damaged relationships. Now that I have learned the painful lessons
from my own mistakes, I can assure you; this is not the route you want to go. Avoid the friends
with benefits scenario at all costs for both spiritual and practical reasons. Here are a few:
1. Spiritual Reason: Sex outside of marriage is sin plain and simple. It is better to wait for
marriage than to displease the Lord. 1 Thessalonians 4:3 says “It is God's will that you should be
sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality.” Countless other scriptures urge you to
abstain until marriage and avoid the sexual compromise that pulls you away from God and
connects you to men God never intended you to be with intimately.
2. Practical Reason: You're setting your friendship up for an #EPICFAIL. For many reasons,
after casual sex, the dynamics of that friendship change and it becomes forever warped. In theory,
people say your friend should respect you enough to not engage in sexual relationship with you.
For him to even consider it speaks volumes about how he feels about you and you should be
listening closely. But the onus isn’t just on him. You have to stand your ground if you don’t want
lust to dominate and destroy your friendship. If you care about your friend, it’s better to keep
your relationship free from sex so you won’t complicate things by undermining the bond of trust
and loyalty the two of you have built together.
3. Spiritual Reason: There's a spiritual connection associated with sex. Many believe it's "just
sex" and don't understand how a real connection is made once you have intimate relations with
someone. But it is never just casual sex. In an article entitled “My Take: There’s nothing brief
about a hook up” by CNN contributor, Dannah Gresh, she revealed very interesting scientific facts
about what “hooking up” can produce. She shared how dopamine and oxytocin hormones are
released during sex. Both create a lasting addiction that tie you emotionally to the other person
and create a bond—one that was meant for marriage. And yet, women wonder why they just can't
let him go or can’t get him out of their mind. 1 Corinthians 6:16 tells us “Do you not know that he
who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, "The two will become
one flesh." This means, you are becoming a part of that person by having sex with them. Ignore
this truth if you want to and you’ll end up playing Juanita Bynum’s “No More Sheets” DVD and
waling at the throne to be released from all those unhealthy soul ties. Trust me. It’s not worth the
pain you’ll endure. So leave that sexual connection where it’s supposed to be—inside marriage.
4. Practical Reason: It's a set-up for sex addiction, which can lead to many other things
(depression, low self-esteem, drugs & alcohol addiction). Any time a woman compromises her self-
worth and degrades her value, she becomes a candidate for these things. And it is very much
possible to lead yourself down this destructive path by giving benefits to your friend that should
be tied to a marital commitment. At some point, you’ll begin to wonder why the relationship can
never grow into anything else You’ll inwardly suffer and sink emotionally into a deep black hole
where guilt, self-pity, and sadness await you. Don’t devalue your worth by opening yourself up to
such emotional turmoil.
The friends-with-benefits-game is not something I would encourage anyone to play. Instead, value
your friend and yourself by abstaining from premarital sex. There are many more ways you can
get to know someone and enjoy what could be a lasting friendship without taking it there. If you
feel things are going in another direction, ask God to help you do the right thing. And remember,
real friends provoke each other to do good (Hebrews 10:24) and avoid hurtful unhealthy practices.
In the movie Friends with Benefits, the two main characters fall in love, but life is not a movie. Bad
choices like this set off a chain of consequences and repercussions that take a lot longer than a
couple hours to resolve.
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get the latest coverage of black news and black entertainment from a Christian perspective.
There is a new movie that just released
entitled "Friends with Benefits" staring
Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis. It’s about
two single friends trying to have a strictly
sexual relationship. On their mission to
prove a point, they come to realize this is
impossible and that sex isn’t just sex. It ties
you emotionally to the other person.
Surprise!
The whole “friends with benefits” thing
doesn’t sound like something that needs to be
discussed in the Christian community right?
Wrong. Why? Because many singles believe
it's appropriate, healthy, and perfectly
normal to have sexual relationships outside
of marriage as long as they protect
themselves. Some are going to church every
Sunday while experimenting with their
"friends” during the week, and deluding
themselves into believing no emotional
attachment will be made.
entitled "Friends with Benefits" staring
Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis. It’s about
two single friends trying to have a strictly
sexual relationship. On their mission to
prove a point, they come to realize this is
impossible and that sex isn’t just sex. It ties
you emotionally to the other person.
Surprise!
The whole “friends with benefits” thing
doesn’t sound like something that needs to be
discussed in the Christian community right?
Wrong. Why? Because many singles believe
it's appropriate, healthy, and perfectly
normal to have sexual relationships outside
of marriage as long as they protect
themselves. Some are going to church every
Sunday while experimenting with their
"friends” during the week, and deluding
themselves into believing no emotional
attachment will be made.
August 2-16
| EEWMAGAZINE.COM |
