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CONNECT WITH THE Editor In Chief:
somehow better than "the rest of us." We see Black
successful men (Usually unsaved) celebrated for game
scores, album sales, endorsement deals, business
ventures, award nominations and wins, along with
other achievements. The more they win and earn, the
more they are celebrated... not so much for who they
are, but for what they possess.
Unfortunately, this mentality is all too pervasive among
black women, who frequently place a higher value on
what is in a man's pocket than what is in his heart.
This results in a self-centered approach to
relationships, where women pull out their list of
expectations and requirements for "Mr. Right" to live
up to if he expects a chance to woo her.
About three years back, one of my girlfriends named
Chantel showed me her actual list of requirements her
future beau had to meet. She had written this itemized
checklist in her personal journal and kept it stored in
this big cedar hope chest in her room in her apartment.
I'll spare you the details like the exact salary
requirements, the kind of car, the price tag on the
house, down to what his credit score would have to
be. Let's just say it was very extensive.
It all seemed a little crazy to me, though. She even
kept up with those magazine lists telling how much
certain celebrities make in a given year. One of our
biggest disagreements was over me telling her to be
more realistic, and that love is about being patient,
kind, giving, and not self-seeking. In anger she told me
she wasn't going to settle like me. That stung.
I was personally offended by that because at the time
my boyfriend Phillip (now my husband) was working
as an Assistant Manager at a small local bank branch.
His salary wasn't amazing, but he had gotten his
degree in finance, he had goals and plans, but he was
in the beginning phases of just trying to establish his
career. I made more money than him at the time, but
that didn't matter to me. I loved him, he loved God,
and he treated me well. It was about love, not money.
successful men (Usually unsaved) celebrated for game
scores, album sales, endorsement deals, business
ventures, award nominations and wins, along with
other achievements. The more they win and earn, the
more they are celebrated... not so much for who they
are, but for what they possess.
Unfortunately, this mentality is all too pervasive among
black women, who frequently place a higher value on
what is in a man's pocket than what is in his heart.
This results in a self-centered approach to
relationships, where women pull out their list of
expectations and requirements for "Mr. Right" to live
up to if he expects a chance to woo her.
About three years back, one of my girlfriends named
Chantel showed me her actual list of requirements her
future beau had to meet. She had written this itemized
checklist in her personal journal and kept it stored in
this big cedar hope chest in her room in her apartment.
I'll spare you the details like the exact salary
requirements, the kind of car, the price tag on the
house, down to what his credit score would have to
be. Let's just say it was very extensive.
It all seemed a little crazy to me, though. She even
kept up with those magazine lists telling how much
certain celebrities make in a given year. One of our
biggest disagreements was over me telling her to be
more realistic, and that love is about being patient,
kind, giving, and not self-seeking. In anger she told me
she wasn't going to settle like me. That stung.
I was personally offended by that because at the time
my boyfriend Phillip (now my husband) was working
as an Assistant Manager at a small local bank branch.
His salary wasn't amazing, but he had gotten his
degree in finance, he had goals and plans, but he was
in the beginning phases of just trying to establish his
career. I made more money than him at the time, but
that didn't matter to me. I loved him, he loved God,
and he treated me well. It was about love, not money.
Jacqueline Ryce Discovers through her Own Experience and
the Experience of a Friend, what Real Love looks like...
Article Contributed by Jacqueline Ryce, Special to EEW Magazine
the Experience of a Friend, what Real Love looks like...
Article Contributed by Jacqueline Ryce, Special to EEW Magazine
Chantel and I stopped talking for about a six months
after that. I guess her words pierced me to my heart
because I thought she knew me better than that, and
would be able to see that I had not settled, but I was
really and truly happy. For me, it wasn't just about the
amount of money he made. I loved him for him and
accepted him. That's what real love looks like.
Since I have always been the tender-hearted one, I
decided to call her one day. We had been such close
friends, I missed her and she was on my mind. When
she picked up the phone, I half expected her to be
lukewarm, but she was really happy to hear from me!
The tension just melted away and we picked up where
we left off.
Chantel was about three months pregnant then, but the
father, who was a UPS truck driver (She didn't find
this out until after they broke up because he told her
he was an investment banker) said he wasn't ready for
a baby. She laughed and said, "I guess he wasn't into
making those kinds of deliveries," but I knew it wasn't
really funny to her. I assured her it would be alright
and that I would be there for her through the
pregnancy, even after my wedding. Phillip had
proposed.
That was two years ago, and Chantel had a healthy
baby boy. She's back in school and things are looking
up for her. Phillip and I are happy. God blessed him
with a promotion and now he's managing a larger bank
in our community. We're doing well, adjusting to
married life, and trying for our first baby. For now,
we watch Joey for Chantel sometimes, and we're
learning more about each other everyday. I talked to
Chantel the other day and she told me she has replaced
the list in her hope chest with a portion of scripture
that says, "Love is not self-seeking."
That made me smile too, aside from the news that she
and the one of the ministers at our church just started
dating.
after that. I guess her words pierced me to my heart
because I thought she knew me better than that, and
would be able to see that I had not settled, but I was
really and truly happy. For me, it wasn't just about the
amount of money he made. I loved him for him and
accepted him. That's what real love looks like.
Since I have always been the tender-hearted one, I
decided to call her one day. We had been such close
friends, I missed her and she was on my mind. When
she picked up the phone, I half expected her to be
lukewarm, but she was really happy to hear from me!
The tension just melted away and we picked up where
we left off.
Chantel was about three months pregnant then, but the
father, who was a UPS truck driver (She didn't find
this out until after they broke up because he told her
he was an investment banker) said he wasn't ready for
a baby. She laughed and said, "I guess he wasn't into
making those kinds of deliveries," but I knew it wasn't
really funny to her. I assured her it would be alright
and that I would be there for her through the
pregnancy, even after my wedding. Phillip had
proposed.
That was two years ago, and Chantel had a healthy
baby boy. She's back in school and things are looking
up for her. Phillip and I are happy. God blessed him
with a promotion and now he's managing a larger bank
in our community. We're doing well, adjusting to
married life, and trying for our first baby. For now,
we watch Joey for Chantel sometimes, and we're
learning more about each other everyday. I talked to
Chantel the other day and she told me she has replaced
the list in her hope chest with a portion of scripture
that says, "Love is not self-seeking."
That made me smile too, aside from the news that she
and the one of the ministers at our church just started
dating.
appers, athletes, and entertainers
are often put on pedestals, not just
in the black community, but in
every community. America
encourages "celebrity worship,"
and treats the rich and famous as
though they are superhuman and
are often put on pedestals, not just
in the black community, but in
every community. America
encourages "celebrity worship,"
and treats the rich and famous as
though they are superhuman and
Jacqueline Ryce is a marketing executive and editor. She is a contributing writer for EEW Magazine.
