| ADVERTISEMENT |
SUBSCRIBE
WRITE FOR US
ADVERTISE
PRIVACY
| BI-WEEKLY COLUMNS |
She didn’t think anyone would believe her. He told her this, said they would believe it was her fault,
that she wanted to play their game, that she would shame her name. So she shrunk in silence, only the
tears crying out her pain during their touching game. Maybe the abuse occurred a few times, but she
was forever changed.
We have heard this before. Some sexual predator targets a child, our child, and we find out about the
abuse long after it stops. Our once outgoing child now seems nervous and scared. Perhaps she doesn’t
want to visit with a certain relative, is acting out in school, is sexually active or is chronically
depressed. We don’t understand the behavior, then the child finally reveals the unmentionable
happened to her. Maybe it was her father, stepfather, uncle, cousin, pastor or his neighbor. Little
girls and boys are being sexually abused right in our midst. Somehow some of us don’t think it’s
supposed to happen to us. We’re good church folks and this doesn’t happen, shouldn’t be happening,
to us. So when the abuse occurs some of us perpetuate the cover up. We don’t want it said that it
happened to our family. Then some of us are unknowingly complicit; we sit in silence because we just
don’t know what to do.
But silence is not an option and neither is shaming our children to shrink. We parents have to be
vigilant in protecting our children before and after a sexual abuse situation. This is not easy, I know.
When my oldest son was five he casually told me that a six-year-old playmate “touched me near my
penis and kissed me.” I went numb because I knew this little boy had been sexually abused and now
was mimicking what happened to him. I wondered would my son mimic what this boy did to him. I
was a mess. I will detail below how we handled the situation, but for now consider this: According to
the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Children's Bureau, at least 695,000 children in
the United States had been sexually abused at least once in the last reporting year of 2010. Even
though this number is astounding, the reported number of children being abused had dropped from
the previous year. The decline in no way suggests that less abuse is happening. Predators have
become more bold and crafty in their approach by using such means as social media sites to prey on
children. Others, namely 45-year-old rapper “Too Short,” have gone from singing about abuse to
instructing boys on how to sexually abuse girls. As this world becomes more wickedly predatory we
have to become wiser in protecting our children.
WE WILL:
Have the tough talks early with our children (Proverbs 22:6). We have to train our
children (on their level of understanding, of course) on understanding "good and bad touches" and
how to respond to them. I remember at 4 my mom telling my siblings and me that “some women like
women and some men like men” so we would be aware of homosexuality and would recognize that
any gender touching or kissing us was not right.
Observe our children. “Know the state of your flocks, and put your heart into caring for your
herds” (Proverbs 27:23). Just like a good shepherd, we must be aware of what's going on with our
children. Look for changes in behavior and attitude and know their friends and how they interact
with them. This requires being around them so we may have to adjust our schedule, cutting back on
work hours and volunteer and leisure activities, to give us needed time to spend with our children.
This goes beyond just being in the same room with them and into paying close attention to them.
Listen to our children. Don’t despise their youth (1 Timothy 4:12). Just because a child is young
doesn’t mean whatever fantastical story he’s sharing isn’t the truth. Probe, in a non-threatening way,
to make the child comfortable enough to share the details. Everything we get will help us to better
determine the proper response.
Place our children in well-vetted environments. I have talked about this before. Just
because someone is available to watch the children doesn't mean they should watch the children.
Make sure the people have similar values as your family when it comes to caring for children and
make sure you don't feel weird about leaving your children. Trust your discernment and forsake
your comfort and convenience. We have to place our children's interest above our own (Philippians
2:4).
Do the hard work for healing. If your child is abused, report the incident to the proper
authorities, including the police, get medical attention, pray, hug and talk to your child to assure him
or her that you are there to help them survive and thrive, and get a Bible-believing licensed
counselor for you and your child. We are victorious in Christ, whatever the situation (Romans 8:37).
WE WON'T:
Shame our children. If our children make inappropriate clothing choices, we will steer them to
what is proper. If our child is sexually abused, we won't make them feel what happened to them is
their fault. When I was raped at 23 and got a venereal disease as a result, I shamed myself because I
felt what he did was my fault; I should not have been at my perpetrator's house alone. It's true that I
should not have been at his house, but I didn't make him attack me. He did that and was responsible
for that. Victims don't need to feel victimized by those who should be there to help them.
Shackle our children. Fear cannot be our guiding force. That spirit comes from Satan (2 Timothy
1:7). If we make decisions based on fear and not in faith based on God's wisdom and discernment, we
will immobilize our children, sowing seeds of fear in them and keeping them from flourishing as they
should.
Kill the perpetrator. A mother's natural reaction is to take revenge on the perpetrator. I am as
bold as they come and people usually don't intimidate me. My inclination, therefore, would be to
jump someone who has done something so heinous, so satanic. Even in this, we have to know that our
weapons aren't carnal (2 Corinthians 10:4). And we need to be available for our children and not in
jail on a murder charge. We should, unless God directs otherwise, charge the predator to the full
extent of the law and pray for that soul to be saved. Jesus died for predators, too, and they need His
salvation.
Think life is over. Life is definitely different after abuse but surely it's not over. Romans 8:28 tells
us that for those of us who love God and are called for His purpose, ALL things work together for our
good. All includes the horrendous and seemingly hopeless. Christ is our hope and with Him we will
make it through.
Of course every situation is unique so you have to determine what steps to take on a case by case
basis. What my husband and I did in my situation was reiterate to my son that he wasn’t to allow
anyone to touch or kiss his private parts and wasn’t to do either to anyone, even if he liked them, and
he was to always tell us what happened. We assured him that we would never be mad at him and that
someone touching or kissing him inappropriately was never his fault. We then called the babysitter
who was watching my son and the six-year-old, who is a relative of hers, to ask where she was when
this happened. We then called the boy’s guardians to inform them and we met with them to discuss
limitations on the boys’ interactions and counseling for their child. The session was intense but
productive and from there my husband and I adjusted our babysitter standards.
Satan's job is to steal, kill and destroy. He walks around to see how he can devour our children's
souls, but he has to contend with us, an army of parents fighting to snatch our children back and
prevent others from being placed at the gates of hell. We won't allow sexual abuse to consume our
children and we will do all within our power, with the help of the Holy Ghost, to protect them. Even in
this tough battle, we will seek to keep the Kingdom first.
Enjoyed this article? Tell the writer by leaving a comment here or sending an email to
rhonda@eewmagazine.com.
ABOUT THE WRITER
Rhonda J. Smith is a former college speech instructor & communications coordinator turned full-
time homemaker & journalist. The writing of this committed wife and mother who earned her
Bachelor’s degree in journalism and a Master’s degree in communication from Wayne State
University, Detroit, has been featured in The Detroit News, Newsday (New York), Chicago Tribune,
Daily Tribune (Royal Oak, MI),Guideposts, and Charisma Magazine.
Rhonda frequently speaks at ministry functions, writes and edits newsletters for Christian ministries,
and teaches public speaking workshops. Three times a week, she encourages women to lean on God's
strength instead of their own through her blog, Musings of a (Recovering) Strong Black Woman. She,
her husband and three sons attend Evangel Ministries in Detroit, where they live.
Connect on Facebook:
Facebook.com
that she wanted to play their game, that she would shame her name. So she shrunk in silence, only the
tears crying out her pain during their touching game. Maybe the abuse occurred a few times, but she
was forever changed.
We have heard this before. Some sexual predator targets a child, our child, and we find out about the
abuse long after it stops. Our once outgoing child now seems nervous and scared. Perhaps she doesn’t
want to visit with a certain relative, is acting out in school, is sexually active or is chronically
depressed. We don’t understand the behavior, then the child finally reveals the unmentionable
happened to her. Maybe it was her father, stepfather, uncle, cousin, pastor or his neighbor. Little
girls and boys are being sexually abused right in our midst. Somehow some of us don’t think it’s
supposed to happen to us. We’re good church folks and this doesn’t happen, shouldn’t be happening,
to us. So when the abuse occurs some of us perpetuate the cover up. We don’t want it said that it
happened to our family. Then some of us are unknowingly complicit; we sit in silence because we just
don’t know what to do.
But silence is not an option and neither is shaming our children to shrink. We parents have to be
vigilant in protecting our children before and after a sexual abuse situation. This is not easy, I know.
When my oldest son was five he casually told me that a six-year-old playmate “touched me near my
penis and kissed me.” I went numb because I knew this little boy had been sexually abused and now
was mimicking what happened to him. I wondered would my son mimic what this boy did to him. I
was a mess. I will detail below how we handled the situation, but for now consider this: According to
the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Children's Bureau, at least 695,000 children in
the United States had been sexually abused at least once in the last reporting year of 2010. Even
though this number is astounding, the reported number of children being abused had dropped from
the previous year. The decline in no way suggests that less abuse is happening. Predators have
become more bold and crafty in their approach by using such means as social media sites to prey on
children. Others, namely 45-year-old rapper “Too Short,” have gone from singing about abuse to
instructing boys on how to sexually abuse girls. As this world becomes more wickedly predatory we
have to become wiser in protecting our children.
WE WILL:
Have the tough talks early with our children (Proverbs 22:6). We have to train our
children (on their level of understanding, of course) on understanding "good and bad touches" and
how to respond to them. I remember at 4 my mom telling my siblings and me that “some women like
women and some men like men” so we would be aware of homosexuality and would recognize that
any gender touching or kissing us was not right.
Observe our children. “Know the state of your flocks, and put your heart into caring for your
herds” (Proverbs 27:23). Just like a good shepherd, we must be aware of what's going on with our
children. Look for changes in behavior and attitude and know their friends and how they interact
with them. This requires being around them so we may have to adjust our schedule, cutting back on
work hours and volunteer and leisure activities, to give us needed time to spend with our children.
This goes beyond just being in the same room with them and into paying close attention to them.
Listen to our children. Don’t despise their youth (1 Timothy 4:12). Just because a child is young
doesn’t mean whatever fantastical story he’s sharing isn’t the truth. Probe, in a non-threatening way,
to make the child comfortable enough to share the details. Everything we get will help us to better
determine the proper response.
Place our children in well-vetted environments. I have talked about this before. Just
because someone is available to watch the children doesn't mean they should watch the children.
Make sure the people have similar values as your family when it comes to caring for children and
make sure you don't feel weird about leaving your children. Trust your discernment and forsake
your comfort and convenience. We have to place our children's interest above our own (Philippians
2:4).
Do the hard work for healing. If your child is abused, report the incident to the proper
authorities, including the police, get medical attention, pray, hug and talk to your child to assure him
or her that you are there to help them survive and thrive, and get a Bible-believing licensed
counselor for you and your child. We are victorious in Christ, whatever the situation (Romans 8:37).
WE WON'T:
Shame our children. If our children make inappropriate clothing choices, we will steer them to
what is proper. If our child is sexually abused, we won't make them feel what happened to them is
their fault. When I was raped at 23 and got a venereal disease as a result, I shamed myself because I
felt what he did was my fault; I should not have been at my perpetrator's house alone. It's true that I
should not have been at his house, but I didn't make him attack me. He did that and was responsible
for that. Victims don't need to feel victimized by those who should be there to help them.
Shackle our children. Fear cannot be our guiding force. That spirit comes from Satan (2 Timothy
1:7). If we make decisions based on fear and not in faith based on God's wisdom and discernment, we
will immobilize our children, sowing seeds of fear in them and keeping them from flourishing as they
should.
Kill the perpetrator. A mother's natural reaction is to take revenge on the perpetrator. I am as
bold as they come and people usually don't intimidate me. My inclination, therefore, would be to
jump someone who has done something so heinous, so satanic. Even in this, we have to know that our
weapons aren't carnal (2 Corinthians 10:4). And we need to be available for our children and not in
jail on a murder charge. We should, unless God directs otherwise, charge the predator to the full
extent of the law and pray for that soul to be saved. Jesus died for predators, too, and they need His
salvation.
Think life is over. Life is definitely different after abuse but surely it's not over. Romans 8:28 tells
us that for those of us who love God and are called for His purpose, ALL things work together for our
good. All includes the horrendous and seemingly hopeless. Christ is our hope and with Him we will
make it through.
Of course every situation is unique so you have to determine what steps to take on a case by case
basis. What my husband and I did in my situation was reiterate to my son that he wasn’t to allow
anyone to touch or kiss his private parts and wasn’t to do either to anyone, even if he liked them, and
he was to always tell us what happened. We assured him that we would never be mad at him and that
someone touching or kissing him inappropriately was never his fault. We then called the babysitter
who was watching my son and the six-year-old, who is a relative of hers, to ask where she was when
this happened. We then called the boy’s guardians to inform them and we met with them to discuss
limitations on the boys’ interactions and counseling for their child. The session was intense but
productive and from there my husband and I adjusted our babysitter standards.
Satan's job is to steal, kill and destroy. He walks around to see how he can devour our children's
souls, but he has to contend with us, an army of parents fighting to snatch our children back and
prevent others from being placed at the gates of hell. We won't allow sexual abuse to consume our
children and we will do all within our power, with the help of the Holy Ghost, to protect them. Even in
this tough battle, we will seek to keep the Kingdom first.
Enjoyed this article? Tell the writer by leaving a comment here or sending an email to
rhonda@eewmagazine.com.
ABOUT THE WRITER
Rhonda J. Smith is a former college speech instructor & communications coordinator turned full-
time homemaker & journalist. The writing of this committed wife and mother who earned her
Bachelor’s degree in journalism and a Master’s degree in communication from Wayne State
University, Detroit, has been featured in The Detroit News, Newsday (New York), Chicago Tribune,
Daily Tribune (Royal Oak, MI),Guideposts, and Charisma Magazine.
Rhonda frequently speaks at ministry functions, writes and edits newsletters for Christian ministries,
and teaches public speaking workshops. Three times a week, she encourages women to lean on God's
strength instead of their own through her blog, Musings of a (Recovering) Strong Black Woman. She,
her husband and three sons attend Evangel Ministries in Detroit, where they live.
Connect on Facebook:
Facebook.com
| ADVERTISEMENT |
| ADVERTISEMENT |
| Copyright © 2011-2014 EEW Magazine. All rights reserved. Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited. |
EEW Magazine is the premier site for African American Christian news, viewpoints, and information. Visit BUZZ.EEWMagazine.com daily to get informed
and get the latest coverage of black news and black entertainment from a Christian perspective.
and get the latest coverage of black news and black entertainment from a Christian perspective.
FEBRUARY 27-MARCH 12 EEW MAGAZINE